[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
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Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs