[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
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Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.