[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
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“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold