[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
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#have a #great #PancakeDay
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t