[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
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I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I will never stop laughing at this
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
*sewing*
A thread
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.