[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
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By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
wut hotdog?
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
“How’s your day going?”
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please