*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
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Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.