*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
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Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Actually cracking up @ this
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!