[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Thrilling chase underway
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.