[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
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Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.