[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
You Might Also Like
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado