[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
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I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.