Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
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At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
“No way.” -Jose
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: