[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
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At Walmart during the holidays like..
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
kids play hide and seek like
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe