Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
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My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.