[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
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Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
ibopfufen
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars