[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
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feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
why am I working on Labor Day
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I falcon love using swear birds
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*