hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
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I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Lmao 🤣
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.