I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
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Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.