[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
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[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.