[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
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If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy