[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
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got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”