[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
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I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no