[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
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I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas