[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
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Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.