[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
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Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
When you “pspspsp” too hard
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open