[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
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When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down