[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
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I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I’m aging like a fine banana
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car