[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
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My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
😅🤣😂
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
#CatsOnTwitter
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often