*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
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Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Friends that check up on you >
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄