Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
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Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I only eat vegetarians.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.