[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
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Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese