[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
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Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Oh hi lol