[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
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Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.