(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
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“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Hit me in the face with a bird
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.