(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
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I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs