[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
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Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
goldfish mafia
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
That’s classic.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
*googles how the hell I ended up here*