[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
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If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.