[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
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Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park