[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
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Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”