[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
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Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig