[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
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The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
mom gave me mine for free
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense