[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
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So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
#math
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.