[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
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We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming