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@HughGoesThere: [first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
@OliveStuff: [At the ferret store]
I'll take five of those furry slinkys
@Sorrowscopes: Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
@living_marble: Scarecrow: why aren't u scared of me?
Batman: why would...wait. do u think I'm a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I'm a bat
@cepheusjackson: WIFE: Shouldn't you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be