[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
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millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police