me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
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Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
This is the one
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*