It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
You Might Also Like
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to