[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
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It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”