[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
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God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*