[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
You Might Also Like
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.